3 Benefits of Intergenerational Friendships
The Forgotten Relationships That Society Needs Most
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Earlier this month, I was watching the Grammys when I received an out-of-the-blue shock. An old friend of mine had died without my knowing it. I learned this news when his photo appeared in the In Memoriam segment.
Brooks Arthur was the Grammy-winning producer, engineer, and music supervisor. He engineered such hits as Neil Diamond’s “Sweet Caroline” and Van Morrison’s “Brown Eyed Girl.” He worked with such artists as the Grateful Dead, Art Garfunkel, Burt Bacharach, and Liza Minelli. And for 30 years, he produced every album by Adam Sandler.
As Sandler wrote on Instagram: “Nobody like that man on the planet. Pure kindness. Loving. Giving. Creative. Patient. Soulful. Superhuman being. A true mensch. Engineered and produced some of the greatest songs of our time. Loved him like family.”
I met Brooks while living in Nashville in the 1990s, writing a book about country music. In recent years I saw him on visits to Los Angeles. Though he was three decades my senior, I considered him a friend.
The more I’ve reflected on our relationship in recent days, the more I’ve come to realize how rare—and how valuable—such cross-generational friendships are.
What scholars call intergenerational friendships have rarely been studied. As Catherine Elliott O’Dare of Trinity College, Dublin, and two colleagues, asked in the recent paper “Intergenerational Friendships of Older Adults, “Why is there so little research on the topic of adult intergenerational friendships?”
The answer appears to be that scholars didn’t believe they were all that popular. Instead, researchers bought into what we might call the myth of homophily, the idea that “birds of a feather flock together.” Originally proposed in the 1950s by Robert Merton and Paul Lazarsfeld, the concept of homophily stressed the tendency of individuals to have friends who are similar to them in age, gender, ethnicity, religion, and education. When all your friends are similar, who needs friends who are different? More to the point, when everyone has plenty of friends, why waste time thinking about – or studying – friends from different generations?
Well, today, we’re in quite a different situation. We are in a crisis of friendship. Most of us don’t have anywhere near enough friends. Thirty years ago, 33 percent of U.S. adults reported having ten or more close friends; now that number is 13 percent. One in eight of us has no friends at all. Even worse: half of us lost friends during the pandemic.
Ever since watching the Grammys that night, I’ve been noticing all the intergenerational friendships in my life—not just older friends, like Brooks, but those in my professional circles who are 20 years behind me, even a few who are 30 years younger than I am. And I’ve been wondering: Might birds of different feathers be the ones who will fill our empty nests?
Here, based on the limited research there is on this topic, are three benefits of intergenerational friendships:
1. Less Competition.
One of the few organizations to study intergenerational friendships is AARP. They report that nearly four in ten adults (37 percent) have a close friend who is at least 15 years older or younger than they are. People most often meet these friends at work (26%), in their neighborhood (12%), or at religious institutions (11%). Intergenerational friendships are equally common among men and women, though boomers and Gen Xers more often have friends of a different generation than millennials.
One big advantage of these relationships is that there’s less competition. Homophilic friendships can often fall prey to uncomfortable rivalry: Oh, your kid is counting to 10; mine is still babbling. Wow, how great that your daughter is on traveling soccer; mine is sitting on the bench. I’m thrilled your son just got a promotion; mine is living in the basement playing video games.
As Danielle Jackson Bayard, author of the friendship book Give It a Rest, has said, intergenerational relationships avoid the challenges of having one person feel like they’re ahead and another like they’re behind. “You should be able to shine in front of each other, to share your successes and the things that you enjoy without fear of making your friends feel bad.”
2. More Skills
The AARP survey uncovered a fascinating generational difference: Younger generations are more open to delving into personal topics with friends than older adults. About half of millennials (52%) and Gen Xers (48%) say they don’t hide anything from their friends, but almost two-thirds of boomers (63%) say they do hide some information from their friends.
In her review of the literature on intergenerational friendships, Professor Elliott O’Dare found that those in such relationships benefited from learning how those of other ages communicated with their friends, as well as learning the historical circumstances that shaped their views. The older friend tended to share perspectives, while the younger friend tended to share more up-to-date views.
Just as companies adopt reverse mentoring, in which younger people send insights up the chain of command, so organizations, communities, and individuals can benefit from reverse friendship, in which young people gain confidence by befriending their elders and elders gain relevance by helping young friends gain a little distance from their challenges.
3. Greater Joy
Perhaps it’s not coincidence that the research into intergenerational friendships has been increasing of late, as scholars begin to look beyond traditional relationships and grapple with how longer life expectancy and greater access to technology are changing the dimensions of life. As this research grows, more positive aspects of these relationships emerge. These qualities include an increased sense of connection, a decreased sense of ageism, and a heightened sense of cultural appreciation.
Most of all, participants in these relationships came to appreciate their age differences rather than view them as deficiencies. As Professor Elliott O’Dare wrote in a separate study, “Doing Intergenerational Relationships,” the certainty echoed by many researchers that “successful” friendships are dependent on homophily is false. “Being born at a particular time with the prevailing technological, cultural, and social norms associated with that time provided an intriguing difference between the intergenerational friends.”
Identity is about belonging, she adds. “Different ways of ‘doing and being’ proved to be interesting, informative, and useful to the friends as they exchanged insights.”
So Godspeed, Brooks. Thank you for singing me yet another song—and teaching me yet another lesson. As your buddy Neil Diamond sang:
Hello, my friend, hello
It's good to need you so
It's good to love you like I do
And to feel this way
When I hear you say, hello
☀
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Or check out my books that inspired this newsletter: Life Is in the Transitions and The Secrets of Happy Families. Or my new book, The Search: Finding Meaningful Work in a Post-Career World.
Or, you can contact me directly.
