The Three Most Important Words to Say to Someone in a Life Crisis
We All Feel Alone in Times of Transition. Here's How to Help.
Welcome to my newsletter, The Nonlinear Life. If you're new around here, read my introductory post.
Every Monday on The Nonlinear Life we talk about words to live by. We look at popular sayings, mottos, buzzwords, proverbs, truisms, and aphorisms. Are they true? Are they outdated? Are they worth our time? We also talk writing and speaking tips. Oh, and dad jokes!
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The 9/11 memorial service held earlier this month at Ground Zero had three marquee performers. All three performed songs with a similar theme: the deafening crush of feeling alone.
Bruce Springsteen sang his song, “I’ll See You In My Dreams,” about the loss of a beloved friend. Chris Jackson, the original George Washington from Hamilton, sang an original song called "Never Alone," about always having a loved one by his side when life was hard. And Kelli O’Hara sang Rogers and Hammerstein’s “You’ll Never Walk Alone” from Carousel.
Walk on through the wind,Walk on through the rain,Tho' your dreams be tossed and blown.Walk on, walk on with hope in your heartAnd you'll Never Walk Alone
As it happens, two days earlier, I was giving a virtual speech in Chicago when someone asked me what the most critical thing someone could do to help a loved one going through a difficult time was. My answer: Say these three words.
“You’re not alone.”
These are the words that I always say to someone who calls with frightening news, that I always write to someone who’s in an unpleasant situation, or that I always reply to someone who’s made a social media post about an unpleasant life event.
“You’re not alone.”
Loneliness, already a national crisis in recent years, increased by 50% during the pandemic. A study released last year found that 36% of Americans reported feeling lonely “frequently,” “almost all the time,” or “all the time” in the prior four weeks. But perhaps most alarming statistic of all: 61% of 18- to 25-year-olds reported these feelings.
What exactly is loneliness? Dilip Jeste of the University of California, San Diego, has described the feeling as “the discrepancy between the social relationships you want and the social relationships you have.” And make no mistake: These feelings are not fleeting or made up. They are grounded deep within our brains.
I had lunch a few years ago with John Cacioppo, a distinguished professor at the University of Chicago and one of the leading neuroscientists in the world. Cacioppo almost single-handedly brought loneliness to the forefront of psychology. “When people are asked what pleasures contribute to happiness,” he told me, “the overwhelming majority rate love, intimacy, and social affiliation above wealth, fame, or even physical health.”
Loneliness, by contrast, is the biggest detriment to happiness. Those with higher rates of loneliness have higher rates of depression, anxiety, hostility, pessimism, and neuroticism. They also have increased rates of dying from heart disease, cancer, respiratory diseases, gastrointestinal diseases, and every other cause of death studied. Social isolation is on par with high blood pressure, obesity, lack of exercise, and smoking as risk factors for illness and early death.
Why? Cacioppo’s research has shown that being lonely is like being in a hostile environment. It triggers cellular changes in the body that make the immune system less able to protect vital organs.
Even the Bible agrees. Why does God create Eve? “It is not good for man to be alone,” Genesis says.
The Creation of Eve, as depicted on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel by Michelangelo.
I have deep feelings about this topic because it’s so personal to me. At every moment of hardship in my life, I have both felt alone and even sought out aloneness. After a 17-hour surgery to remove my cancer-ridden left femur from my leg 13 years ago left me bedridden and weak, I would sometimes stare out of my window, observe people strolling effortlessly down the street, and mutter to myself; You don’t know what it’s like. You don’t what it’s like.
I wanted to be alone because I wanted verification that somehow my altered state would make me untouchable, unreachable.
Unlovable.
And most people, to be honest, oblige. They don’t know what to do, how to act, when to step forward, or when to retreat. In one way, that’s understandable. Every difficult situation is unique, and trying to find the right, most comforting thing to say to someone suffering can be taxing and perilous. So many of the pat phrases we fall back on—“I know what you’re going through;” “Everything happens for a reason”—while perhaps well-meaning, often fall flat.
So, what should you say?
“You’re not alone.”
By using that simple expression, you convey the single most important thing you can convey: I don’t know what you’re feeling. I don’t know your situation. I don’t even know what to do.
But I still love you.
You are still lovable.
And you are part of a world that is full of heartbroken, pain-riddled, mistake-prone, fearful people just like you. And just like me. And the only way any of us can get through one of these situations is to first acknowledge that they exist and, second, admit that we don't always know how they’re going to turn out.
By stepping into that breach, reaching out your hand, and saying, in so many words, that you, too, are afraid but that you won’t shrink from what lies ahead, you are giving the best gift of all: companionship.
You are saying, as Mary Oliver wrote in “Loneliness:”
I too have known loneliness.
I too have known what it is to feel
misunderstood,
rejected, and suddenly
not at all beautiful.
And still, I love you.
And I promise that no matter what happens, I’ll always love you.
Even when you feel alone.
HELPING FAMILIES TRANSITIONS TO FALL: Other Articles in This Series
Helping Families Transition to Fall – September 9
Adult Back to School – September 13
The Hardest Part of Forgiveness – September 15
Three Questions to Ask Your Children Every Week - September 17
You’re In an Autobiographical Occasion. Now What? – September 22
The Noticing Game – September 24
'The New Normal:' The Problem with Everyone's Favorite Phrase – September 27
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Thanks for reading The Nonlinear Life. Please help us grow the community by subscribing, sharing, and commenting below. Also, you can learn more about me, read my introductory post, or scroll through my other posts.
You might enjoy reading these posts:
Three Questions to Ask Your Children Every Week
The Hardest Part of Forgiveness
Or these books: Life Is in the Transitions, The Secrets of Happy Families, and Council of Dads.
Or, you can contact me directly.
