How to Talk to Kids About School Shootings
Five Things to Say (and One Thing Not to Say)
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Note: We're releasing this post one day early because of time-sensitive events.
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The texts started arriving in early evening.
Advice on what to say to the kids? We feel like we need to talk with them, but we don’t want them to have nightmares. Thoughts?
What do we say to our children when we don’t know what to say to ourselves?
Over the nearly two decades I’ve been writing about families, I’ve gotten countless emails and texts like the ones that arrived this week after a gunman killed at least 19 children and two adults in a rural Texas elementary school. The event was the deadliest American school shooting since the massacre at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, Connecticut, nearly a decade ago.
I spent some time in Newtown following that tragedy, meeting with parents and students, while working on my book, The Secrets of Happy Families. I’ve also written widely on talking to children about difficult subjects, from illness to trauma to the death of a loved one.
While our instincts as parents are that each of these situations requires a different playbook, I’ve actually come to believe that the opposite is true. While some of the particulars may change, most of the general rules do not change.
With that principle in mind, here are five things to do when talking to kids about difficult subjects (and one thing not to do):
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1. LISTEN BEFORE YOU TALK
While children of all ages need to be comforted in an age-appropriate way, I’m going to talk in this piece largely about younger children, though many of the observations apply to older children as well.
The first rule of thumb in any challenging conversation is to listen before you talk. Begin by asking open-ended questions. Even children who seem isolated from the news still pick up snippets of information (and misinformation) from the playground, from their peers, from their devices, and from overhearing adults. You should always start by ascertaining your child’s understanding of the situation and their frame of mind.
What have you heard? What do you think? Are you worried about something? Do you have questions?
The American Psychological Association (APA), in its list of advice for helping children manage distress, encourages this first step. “Listen to your child’s thoughts and point of view. Don't interrupt—allow them to express their ideas and understanding before you respond.”
Asking these types of questions has the added benefit of giving you time to compose yourself and your child a sense of agency in helping to shape the conversation.
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2. MAKE THEM FEEL SAFE
The second rule of thumb: Children want to feel safe. Simply assuring them that you love them, that you’re here to protect them, and that all the adults around them have their safety and well-being top of mind will go a long way to making them feel better. Depending on the age and inclination of your child, many may want to end the conversation right then and go back to playing, eating, or getting ready for school.
As the experienced team at Common Sense Media advises in their helpful list of tips, “Reassure them that they're safe and that people are working on the problem. Even if you feel iffy about the situation, you want your kids to feel like you're in charge and that it will be resolved.”
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3. LESS IS MORE
The third rule of thumb: Don't overshare. As a parent, I feel like this rule is the hardest for me to follow. Let's say I'm facing a situation, I’ve done my homework, I have a list of things I want to say. But I’m also feeling a little nervous or uncomfortable myself, so I dive in.
And I babble. I ramble. I blather along, trying to cover my insecurity.
Don’t babble; don’t ramble; don’t blather along.
Use short, clear, simple language.
Something bad has happened. Someone hurt other people. A lot of people feel sad. I want you to hear this from me. I love you, and I’ll always protect you.
Dr. Deborah Gilboa, a board-certified physician in Pittsburgh, calls this approach “the one-sentence story.” What a brilliant formulation.
Remember, you’re not a reporter. Your goal is not to give your child all the details. Your goal is to make them feel safe, heard, seen, and protected.
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4. WORK WITH THE ADULTS AROUND YOU
The fourth rule of thumb: Don’t be something that you’re not. If you’re not an expert on children and trauma, don’t feel the need to play one over breakfast. In the same way that you would call a professional to fix a broken leg or fill a cavity, feel free to reach out to experts for counsel.
The APA offers these recommendations:
Reach out for support from other adults, including friends, religious leaders, teachers, or therapists
Limit the amount of media coverage you consume
Call the National Parent Helpline at 1-855-4A PARENT (1-855-427-2736) to get emotional support from a trained advocate.
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5. “I’M ALWAYS HERE TO TALK”
The fifth rule of thumb: Leave the door open. Even if your child cuts this conversation short, as my children often do in such situations, they may want to restart it later. Let your child know that they’re always welcome to come back to you with any questions or concerns.
As Robin Gurwitch, a licensed psychologist and a professor at Duke University Medical Center told ABC,
“Younger children may ask the same question over and over again. That is how they process information.”
And one final rule of thumb: Here's wha you should never do. Don't say anything you know to be untrue. You’re better off being vague or dodging a question you haven't had time to think about instead of giving an answer that's untruthful. You don’t want to be caught in a lie. If you do, you’ll risk losing your child’s trust, which is one of the most valuable things you have as a parent.
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You might enjoy reading these posts:
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Or check out my books that inspired this newsletter: Life Is in the Transitions and The Secrets of Happy Families. Or a unique service I started to gather family stories from a loved one.
Or, you can contact me directly.
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