Americans Are Sick Of Weddings: Here's How You Can Help
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Love is in the air. Too much love!
America is facing a glut of weddings, and guests are fighting back. Just look at these headlines:
Wall Street Journal: Wedding Guests Are Broke, Tired, and Begging for Mercy.
New York Times: The Year of the (Many) Weddings.
Newsweek: Woman Backed for Complaining About Too Many Wedding Invites.
The problem is simple: So many people postponed their weddings over the last few years, coupled with all the people who coupled up during the last few years, and this summer is the busiest wedding season in memory.
A whopping 2.5 million weddings are expected to happen in the United States this year, according to the research firm the Wedding Report. That figure doesn’t include couples who eloped or got married in small ceremonies during the pandemic and are holding larger celebrations this summer.
As Mackenzie Crocker, a millennial from Arkansas, told the Journal, “Everyone and their mom in my life is getting married.” She is slated to attend 18 weddings this year alone, and the costs add up. The wedding website The Knot found that people spend on average $660 to attend out-of-town weddings they drive to—and $1,270 to attend weddings they fly to.
As one woman complained in a now-viral post:
We're on our 5th wedding invite for 2023 so far. One is my brother, and the other four fall into the friend group above. None of the weddings are close to home so will all be at least one night in a hotel. I'm just not sure how we will manage to afford to go to all these weddings (travel, hotel, gift money) and definitely won't be able to get childcare for all five weekends, and that's before the stag and hen do [bachelor and bachelorette parties] invites start coming...
What can you do to help alleviate this problem? Well, you can’t very well tell your loved ones not to get married. You can’t not send a gift. You can’t show up and complain. (Though you can politely decline, if you’d like.)
The one thing you can do is to help address one aspect of the wedding weekend that draws the most complaints: Improve your toast!
I’ve been something of a secret, wedding-toast ghostwriter for years. Friends ask my advice about toasts. They call me worried about toasts. They send me drafts of toasts. Serving in this role has given me a front-row seat on the common problems that people.
Here, based on my experience, are three things not to do—and one thing to do—in a wedding toast:
1. THE PAST IS NOT PROLOGUE
No one wants to hear how you met the bride at summer camp and once spent a giggly night in a canoe. No one cares that you went drinking with the groom in high school and lost a hubcap on your mother’s car. And no one definitely needs to know that you introduced one of the newlyweds to their ex. Ali Wentworth, the comedian and author, once told me that toasters should not tell stories that predate the couple, and that’s a pretty good goal.
Let bygones be bygones; cutting that rambling memory will save you half your time and most of your embarrassment.
2. NO AD-LIBBING
Tangents are not your friend. Off-the-cuff remarks are never a good idea. That funny story that pops into your head at the last minute that you just thought you’d throw in? Keep it to yourself. The most experienced speakers use a script; you should, too.
3. JOKING ASIDE.
My favorite rule of thumb about wedding remarks is Funny toasts at the rehearsal dinner; sentimental toasts at the reception. Few things are more cringey than a toast that misses the moment, and the moment at a wedding calls for brevity, sweetness, and love. What it doesn’t call for is jokes about sex (yeah, we know it’s coming, but we don’t need to hear about it), jokes about marriage (yeah, we know lots end in divorce, but now’s not the time), and jokes about almost anything (yeah, you might find it funny, but would the bride’s grandmother? Sorry, Granny is more important than you in this instance).
So what should you say?
My go-to formula is 3-1-2.
First, say something for a minute or two in the third person about the member of the couple you’re closest to. “Let me tell you something about Harry you may not know ...” or “I knew Rose had found true love when she called me that night and said. ...”
Next, say a few heartfelt words in the first person, explaining how you feel about one or both members of the couple. “One thing I could always count on my brother for was…” or “I have always admired my former roommate for….”
Finally, speak directly to the couple, using the second person. “May you have a life filled with …” or “May you always find joy in….”
As for an ending, do as the British do: Raise your glass and offer a simple salutation, “Ladies and gentlemen, to the couple.”
And remember: The shorter the toast, the happier the couple. The longer the toast, the more you risk being the one they’ll complain about until death do you part.
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Thank you for reading The Nonlinear Life. Please help us grow the community by subscribing, sharing, and commenting below. Also, you can learn more about me, read my introductory post, watch my latest TED Talk, or scroll through my other posts. And if you'd like to do a storytelling project with a loved one similar to the one I did with my father, click here to learn more.
You might enjoy reading these posts:
A Letter to My Dad on My First Fatherless Father’s Day
What Moms Really Want for Mother’s Day
I Thought I Was Prepared for Grief. Then I Lost My Dad.
Or check out my books that inspired this newsletter: Life Is in the Transitions and The Secrets of Happy Families.
Or, you can contact me directly.
