A Simple Way To Collect Family Stories This Holiday Season
Give the Gift that Will Last for Generations: Preserving Priceless Family Memories
Thanks for reading The Nonlinear Life, a newsletter about navigating life's ups and downs. Every Monday we talk about Words4Life—popular sayings, mottos, buzzwords, table topics. Also, dad jokes! Every Thursday we focus on life transitions, how to turn this period of uncertainty and stress into one of growth and renewal.
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Since it’s the holiday season, I’m here to talk about gifts. Actually, the single greatest gift you can give somebody.
First, a little background. I like giving gifts where the person receiving the gift has to do all the work. Over the years, I’ve been involved in sending parents on yearlong scavenger hunts, siblings on months-long missions digging through old photographs, children on elaborate efforts planning outings with their mom.
A few years ago, I stumbled into what would turn out to be the most rewarding gift I ever gave somebody, which, like all good gifts, ended up benefiting the givers more than the givee.
The recipient was nominally my father. The gift was a method of preserving family stories. The beneficiaries were his descendants—both those he knew and those he’d never meet.
Here’s what happened, with some tips for how you can do the same with your loved ones.
My father was a storyteller but not a writer. He never wrote anything longer than a memo in his life. A few years ago, he was in a difficult time in his life, and to cheer him up, I sent him a question about his life—Tell me about the toys you played with as a child.
Don’t make your answer too long, I said—just a page or so.
He answered that question, so I sent another: Are you still friends with any of your friends from high school? Then, What was your house like as a child? As he gained confidence, I started emailing him questions every Monday morning. How’d you become an Eagle Scout? How’d you join the Navy? How’d you meet Mom?
My father couldn’t move his fingers at this point, so he couldn’t type. He would think about the question all week, dictate his story to Siri, then print out a draft and edit it. A lifelong collector, he began adding photographs, newspaper clippings, love letters to my mom. As his writing grew bolder, I made the questions more probing. What’s your biggest regret? How’d you survive your first downturn?
This process continued for the next seven years until my father, a man who had never written anything longer than a memo, backed into writing a 65,000-word autobiography. It was the most remarkable transformation any of us had ever seen.
Me with my dad, along with a book we made of his early stories. He kept writing for another five years!
What exactly explained the success of this effort? While it was still going on, I plunged into the neuroscience and biochemistry of storytelling; I interviewed experts on the psychological and emotional benefits of life reminiscence; I tracked down pioneers in the nascent disciplines of narrative gerontology, narrative adolescence, and narrative medicine.
One of those experts, James Birren, the founder of gerontology, calls this kind of project guided autobiography. Lives are made up of memories, but when those memories remain episodic and disconnected, their impact dissipates. Countless studies have found that carefully cultivating our memories improves our quality of life, increases self-esteem, heightens well-being, elevates our sense of serenity, and even reduces clinical depression. Had I known that last fact earlier, I might have started asking my dad questions long before I did.
I went to see Professor Birren in his book-lined home north of Los Angeles not long after I started sending questions to my dad. Ninety-six at the time, Professor Birren brightened at the opportunity to talk about his work. “As we age, we feel a greater sense of alienation, loneliness, and loss of purpose,” he said. “We also feel bored.” Storytelling ameliorates those feelings. By climbing to a summit and peering out on our lives, we feel closer to events that might seem far away and to people who might seem long forgotten.
James E. Birren, past president of the Gerontological Society of America and author of more than 250 publications
When I left, he gave me a copy of his memoir, which he signed, “To Bruce: With best wishes for fuller life stories.
That brings us to you.
Do you have a loved one who’s a good storyteller but perhaps not a writer? Do you have family memories that you fear will be lost? Do you have family stories you don’t even know?
This holiday season, give the gift of stories.
Here are some tips based on my experience:
1. Make your gift seem like a special, once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
Reluctant writers especially will be more likely to use the gift if they know that all the children and grandchildren are invested in the outcome.
2. Don’t have the storyteller focus too much on younger family members.
A good story captures the voice of the storyteller, has lots of details, color, and humor. But it also has the truth. If the writer thinks they’re writing for a young child, they will talk down to the reader and sugarcoat what really happened. Everyone will regret that letter. Encourage the storyteller to use their own voice and not run from sensitive topics.
3. Start with safe questions and get more personal over time.
Having said that, don’t begin with sensitive topics like loss, disappointment, or setbacks. Start with easy topics—childhood memories, toys, friends, holidays, teachers; milestones from teenage years, first loves, memorable trips. Life transitions and milestones also make great topics.
If you prefer to have someone else come up with the questions, I’ve set up a way to email anyone a handpicked question from me every week, including many of the questions I used successfully with my dad. At the end of the year, we’ll collect the stories for you in a keepsake book.
Whether you use your questions, my questions, or questions from my friends at The Moth, this gift is one that will be sure to last forever. Plus, it passes my test: The recipient does all the work, and the givers get as much as the givee. Now that’s a great gift!
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Thanks for reading The Nonlinear Life. Please help us grow the community by subscribing, sharing, and commenting below. Also, you can learn more about me, read my introductory post, or scroll through my other posts.
You might enjoy reading these posts:
This Bestselling Author Says Avoid Personal Topics Over the Holidays. I Disagree. We Debate.
12 Foolproof Table Topics for Any Holiday Gathering
Tips for Prolonging Pandemic Family Togetherness
Or these books: Life Is in the Transitions, The Secrets of Happy Families, and Council of Dads.
Or, you can contact me directly.
